Our Dreams and God's Plans

Lately our lives have been an emotional rollercoaster punctuated with tremendous blessings.  You see, when me and the hubby got married, like most couples, we wished to add to our family.  Though before our wedding we found out that I had a fibroid tumor and that pregnancy would be difficult if not impossible until it was removed.  So for the last two years we have prayed and searched for an answer.  The tumor proving to cause much more then a hinderance to our plans.  With it came pain and large amounts of blood loss. 

Last year it looked like we had the answer to at least part of the problem.  We had read and investigated a new procedure called fibroid embolization where a Radiologist can decrease the blood flow to the fibroid and since it would not have anything to feed on and grow, the bleeding would be back to normal and the fibroid would shrink and die off.  That was in August last year and seven months later I was still having the same symptoms. 

In April we went to the doctor after our last updated sonogram to talk about removing the fibriod (myomectomy) or having the same embolization procedure one more time in the hopes of being able to have a baby sometime  in the near future.  Our hopes that day were dashed with a doctor who not only didn't recommend either procedure but said he would not do it, said I needed a hysterectomy but without clear communication as to why.  So our search to understand what has happened inside of me took another turn as we sought out people who could explain the sonogram reports and recommendations to us.

After speaking to several different doctors we knew that this last doctor had been correct we just hadn't understood why.  It turns out that my fibroid is about the size of a large grapefruit and my uteris is enlarged also.  And with where it is positioned in relation to where I would carry a baby, its really not a good idea.  We did have a wonderful reconstructive surgeon tell us that he could remove just the tumor and (serious, I didn't know they did this) reconstruct my uteris.  But that it would be a lot of down time, alot of blood loss during the surgery and with no guarantee that I would be able to get pregnant much less carry the baby full term due to the injured area.

They gave us percentages for different scenarios and we all know that God doesn't need percentages, rather just for us to get out of the way.  We do feel that this is where He has directed us.  We prayed to be healed and this will heal the problem.  With it our plan's are changed and replaced with God's plan instead.  So we are waiting for them to call with a surgery date for me to have a hysterectomy. 

It is with a heavy heart that I write this yet my heart is overflowing with the joy of the Lord.  Let me explain...our lives are filled with hopes and dreams.  We start off in new directions asking the Lord to bless them, not knowing in what way that will be.  We have prayed and family and friends have cried and prayed out to the Lord, our wonderful God, for us to have a child of our own, to add to our family, to share our love with.  And it would appear that even before we started on this journey God knew that our plans were not to be.  That doesn't mean He doesn't love us, but I know that my God is a great big God and that if He has closed this door, there is another waiting wide open for us. 

We have seen God bless each step of this journey.  With friends who are willing to give of their time to explain "doctor talk" to us.  Parents who just show up when they are needed the most, not knowing why, just following the prompting of the Holy Spirit.  Doctors willing to talk to us until all of our questions have been answered even giving us direct lines to call if we have questions after we leave (who does that any more).  Prayer from so many people, even some prayer partners that I have never met.  Hospital bills being reduced to very managable sums.  And simply the partnering of other couples, Pastors and their wifes, other Christians, family, and friends willing to remember us in their prayers.  We have felt everyone of you.

So as the tears fall for those dreams that are slowly fading away, they are replaced with dreams that I don't even know yet.  You see, we have a beautiful daughter who is about to enter her Senior year in high school, who's life has slipped by us so quickly .  We have children at church that we love, adore and teach once a week.  We have a new neice that is just barely a year old with newlywed parents who could use help taking care of her.  And we have each other and all the time in the world to fall deeper in love with as we get to know each other more intimately. 

If I found out tomorrow that I was pregnant would I be happy?  Overjoyed is more like it.  But I wouldn't forget what I've learned along the way.  Nor, will not being able to have a baby with my beautiful husband take away the awesome gifts that God has bestowed in our lives.  I mean, can you believe it, I am actually married to my best friend.  It really doesn't get any better then this, at least not on Earth.  Besides, Tov says that maybe we can afford to go see the 24 hours of LeMans Race now!